Light humour

[akiratoriyama]

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

[Dino101]

A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand.

“We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.

“Just my sister in New York,” he volunteered. “But she’s a spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters;’ they are married to God.”

“Really…wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!"


================



A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

=============

[browneylad]

[Dino101]

God called a meeting of George Bush, Tony Blair and Bill Gates. ‘I’ve given you all the tools you needed to make a better world,’ says God. ‘But you’ve failed and I’m ending the world in two weeks.’

Bush goes on TV and says, ‘I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God exists. The bad news is that the world will end in two weeks.’

Tony Blair says, ‘I have bad news and really bad news. The bad news is that God is really annoyed. The really bad news is he’s going to destroy us.

Bill Gates calls his workers together and says, ‘I have good news and great news. The good news is that God thinks I’m one of the three most powerful people in the world. The great news is that we don't have to fix the bugs in the new Windows package

=================

---

Funniest Letter Ever:

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his
mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this
was a good time to tell his mother what he
wanted.
Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at
home.
Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he
deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his
behavior over the last year.
Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how
you have behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you
deserve a bike for your birthday.
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room
and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
*******
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I
would like a bike for my birthday.
I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not
been a very good boy this year, So he tore up
the letter and started over.

Letter 2
*******
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good
boy this year and I would like
A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he
tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3
*******
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year. I still would
really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God
either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4
*******
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am
very sorry.
I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike
for my birthday.
Please! Thank you,
Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was
not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was
very upset. He went downstairs and told his
mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's
mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby
looked very sad. ''Just be home in time for
dinner'', Bobby's mother told him. Bobby walked
down the street to the church on the corner.
Little Bobby went into the church and up to the
altar. He looked around to see if anyone was
there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue
of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his
shirt and ran out of the church, down the street,
into the house, and up to his room. He shut the
door to his room and sat down with a piece of
paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter
to God.

Letter 5
*******
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT
TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!

===================





Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

===============






EVOLUTION OF MAN

---

ANOTHER MIRACLE HAPPENED


not a joke but a true story...Winston Churchill...was at a diner party and woman came up to him and said...

Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: if I were your husband, I'd drink it."

==============

[Dino101]

A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.

Horrified, the woman replies, Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.

To which the dentist replies, Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.

=================

A wife died.

 

A few weeks later the husband died.

 

As he got to heaven he saw his wife. He ran up to her with tears in his eyes.


'Darling, how I've missed you!'


The wife extends her arms stopping him from embracing her and says, 'Whoa there man, the contract was until death!'

=======================

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

 

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

 

The doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you."

=============================

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?" 

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

====================


On a cold December morning of Chicago, a  wife called her husband and said....


 "The car isn't  starting and the dashboard  is showing the pic of a person sitting on a toilet seat. what should I do?"

 

Puzzled and Worried husband asked the wife to send a pic of the dashboard as he never came across a warning sign of a man sitting on toilet seat.

 

This is what wife sent..



====================



===========

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.


 

So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.


He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

=============

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?


A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

=================

[Dino101]

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. 

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” 

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” 

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” .....

 

That’s about as far as I remember.

=======================================

Man is incomplete until he is married.

Then he is finished.

==============================

My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a divorce?"


I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house."


He said, "So?"


And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"

====================================

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums.

 

Could you use African violets instead?"

 

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

=======================================

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"


The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."


The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

=========================================





=======================================



=====================================



================

When I was young I decided, I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to
go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an
important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are all doctors today.

The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

 -------------------------------

I was in the bar the other day and realised I had wind I needed to pass.

The music was really loud, so I timed my farts with the beats of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my beer, but noticed everybody was staring at me.

The I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my MP3 player through headphones........

==============



===============

What is the definition of ambivalence?

Watching your mother in law go off the cliff but in your brand new sports car!

[Dino101]

I just had to share this:

[browneylad]

[grr]

@browneylad - lol
that one tear near near the nail area is quite painful

[browneylad]

New LUX ad shoot ongoing



Cocacola new 5ltr bottles



Revenge



Justice League


Monster under bed comics


[comics from SMBC]