30 January 18, 04:46
Mathematics
Teacher: if you had one dollar and asked your Uncle for one more dollar, how much would you have in total?
Student: One dollar.
Teacher: You don't know your Maths ....
Student: You don't know my Uncle !!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Damned Egg
An African man and Englishman lived next door to each other.
The African owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The African man ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the African man said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the African man put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The African man smiled and said, "You can keep the damn egg!!"
------------------------------------------------
When Fred found out he is going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father would die, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy all the money he would get.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother!
----------------------------------
My wife and me were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have s_x?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes," she replied.
Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing I remember after waking up in Hospital.
----------------------------------------------------
Knock Knock ...
Somebody knocks on door:
- Who is there?
- Police?
- What do you want?
- We want to talk.
- How many of you are there?
- Two.
- So talk with each other.
-----------------------------------------------------
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband texts to wife on
cell..
"Hi,what r u doing
Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy
but types "Sweet Heart,
how can I live without
U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying
my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English
Language!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
![[Image: 13485459.jpg]](http://www1.picturepush.com/photo/a/13485459/640/13485459.jpg)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: why did you laugh.?
.
Boy: I saw a strap of your bra.
.
.
Teacher: GET OUT. No class for you for a week.
..
Another boy laughs.
Teacher: why did you laugh?
.
. Boy: I saw both straps.
Teacher: GET OUT. No class for you
for a month.
..
She bends down to pick a chalk
and little Johnny starts walking out.
..
Teacher: Johnny why are you
going out.?
.
. Johnny: with what I saw I think
my school days are over.
------------------------------------------------------------
![[Image: 13514299.jpg]](http://www1.picturepush.com/photo/a/13514299/img/13514299.jpg)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy was siting in d toilet when
someone from the adjacent toilet said,
1: Hi, how r u?
He got embarrassed n said,
2: I m fine.
1: So what r u up to?
2: Well, just sitting like u.
1: Can i come over?
2: No! R u crazy?
1: Listen I will call u back.There is
an idiot in d other toilet answering my
questions...
----------------------------------------------------
A little boy was doing his maths homework & saying..
2+2, the son of a bi@ch is 4.
3+6, the son of a bi@ch is 9..
His Mom: What are you doing?
Boy: I'm doing maths homework. -_-
Mom: this is how your teacher taught you?
Boy: Yes.
Infuriated, Mom asked the teacher the next day- 'What
are you teaching my son in maths?'
Teacher: Right now, we are learning addition.
Mom: You teaching them to say 2+ 2, the Son of a bi@ch
is 4?
Teacher after laughing: What I taught them was, 2+2, the
sum of which is 4... :lol: :lol: :lol:
---------------------------------------------
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked,"Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.
------------------------------------------------------------
![[Image: funny_picdump_411_640_16.jpg]](http://img.izismile.com/img/img6/20130321/640/funny_picdump_411_640_16.jpg)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Could i go Back in Time ?
Husband (watching a video)
on't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Awww damn !!! He actually did it! What a dumb a5s!!!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?
Husband: Am watching our wedding ceremony !!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wedding Anniversary Gift
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning, Bob got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale !!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
One More Final Wish ...
A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died.
Upon arrival in heaven, The lord said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you
one wish before I let you into heaven."
The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to the Lord and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish.
The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing.
At this point a Man at the very back of the Line starts to laugh.
The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also.
And the man at the end laughs even louder.
One after another, the people wish for the same thing.
The closer Lord gets to the end of the line, the harder the man Laughs.
When The lord finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?"
The man at the end of the line says,: "Make them all Ugly again !!!!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Best Dog names
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were??
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and other was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: if you had one dollar and asked your Uncle for one more dollar, how much would you have in total?
Student: One dollar.
Teacher: You don't know your Maths ....
Student: You don't know my Uncle !!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Damned Egg
An African man and Englishman lived next door to each other.
The African owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The African man ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the African man said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the African man put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The African man smiled and said, "You can keep the damn egg!!"
------------------------------------------------
When Fred found out he is going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father would die, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy all the money he would get.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother!
----------------------------------
My wife and me were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have s_x?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes," she replied.
Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."
That's the last thing I remember after waking up in Hospital.
----------------------------------------------------
Knock Knock ...
Somebody knocks on door:
- Who is there?
- Police?
- What do you want?
- We want to talk.
- How many of you are there?
- Two.
- So talk with each other.
-----------------------------------------------------
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband texts to wife on
cell..
"Hi,what r u doing
Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy
but types "Sweet Heart,
how can I live without
U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying
my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English
Language!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: why did you laugh.?
.
Boy: I saw a strap of your bra.
.
.
Teacher: GET OUT. No class for you for a week.
..
Another boy laughs.
Teacher: why did you laugh?
.
. Boy: I saw both straps.
Teacher: GET OUT. No class for you
for a month.
..
She bends down to pick a chalk
and little Johnny starts walking out.
..
Teacher: Johnny why are you
going out.?
.
. Johnny: with what I saw I think
my school days are over.
------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy was siting in d toilet when
someone from the adjacent toilet said,
1: Hi, how r u?
He got embarrassed n said,
2: I m fine.
1: So what r u up to?
2: Well, just sitting like u.
1: Can i come over?
2: No! R u crazy?
1: Listen I will call u back.There is
an idiot in d other toilet answering my
questions...
----------------------------------------------------
A little boy was doing his maths homework & saying..
2+2, the son of a bi@ch is 4.
3+6, the son of a bi@ch is 9..
His Mom: What are you doing?
Boy: I'm doing maths homework. -_-
Mom: this is how your teacher taught you?
Boy: Yes.
Infuriated, Mom asked the teacher the next day- 'What
are you teaching my son in maths?'
Teacher: Right now, we are learning addition.
Mom: You teaching them to say 2+ 2, the Son of a bi@ch
is 4?
Teacher after laughing: What I taught them was, 2+2, the
sum of which is 4... :lol: :lol: :lol:
---------------------------------------------
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked,"Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.
------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Could i go Back in Time ?
Husband (watching a video)
on't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Awww damn !!! He actually did it! What a dumb a5s!!! Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?
Husband: Am watching our wedding ceremony !!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wedding Anniversary Gift
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning, Bob got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale !!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
One More Final Wish ...
A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died.
Upon arrival in heaven, The lord said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you
one wish before I let you into heaven."
The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to the Lord and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish.
The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing.
At this point a Man at the very back of the Line starts to laugh.
The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also.
And the man at the end laughs even louder.
One after another, the people wish for the same thing.
The closer Lord gets to the end of the line, the harder the man Laughs.
When The lord finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?"
The man at the end of the line says,: "Make them all Ugly again !!!!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Best Dog names
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were??
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and other was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!!!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
![[-]](https://www.geeks.fyi/images/collapse.png)
